


Without Me

by BananasofThorns



Series: Halsey inspired [1]
Category: Star Wars: Thrawn Series - Timothy Zahn (2017)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Gen, Hopeful Ending, Inspired by Music, idk what's going on
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-03
Updated: 2019-01-03
Packaged: 2019-10-03 16:18:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,423
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17287361
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BananasofThorns/pseuds/BananasofThorns
Summary: Communication has never been Thrawn’s strong suit. When Eli is shipped off to the Chiss Ascendancy for no apparent reason, he can’t help but think that this is Thrawn’s way of silently getting rid of him. And, well-It stings.





	Without Me

_ “Cadet Vanto?” Eli looked up. “Why do some of the cadets laugh when they see me?” _

_ Eli frowned. This was different from Thrawn’s usual questions. It felt almost...self-conscious. Anxious. It was strange. _

_ Shaking off his worry, Eli shrugged. “They’re not used to an alien in their midst, I’d say. Just ignore them. They can go fuck themselves.” _

_ Thrawn raised an eyebrow, the corners of his lips just barely turned up. “Pardon?” _

_ Eli shook his head. “It’s- nevermind. Don’t repeat that. Probably not the best thing to say.” _

_ “Probably?” Thrawn asked, and this time Eli could swear that he was smiling. _

>-<

Eli kept his head down as he walked back to his quarters, ignoring the way eyes and barely concealed laughter followed him wherever he went.

Not that ignoring it did much. The Chiss could all see just how uncomfortable and out of place he felt, and he could feel their disdainful stares on his back. He wondered if this was what it had been like for Thrawn at the Academy. It seemed unlikely. Thrawn was always in control of any situation that came his way. He always was planning, always observing. Always manipulating.

Then, when one of his pawns lost their value, he would discard them. Eli’s place in the Ascendancy was proof of that.

Finally,  _ finally _ , Eli made it to his quarters. He closed the door behind him and slid to the ground, pushing the palms of his hands into his eyes. He would not have a breakdown. Not here. Not now.

His eyes found the datapad, sitting on the shelf where he had left it to gather dust. He started toward it, almost instinctively, before stopping. 

His hand was shaking.

Eli muttered a curse and tightened his hand into a fist. He wasn’t even sure  _ why _ he was reaching for the datapad. He had the entire thing memorized, but thinking about it now only brought a bitter taste to his mouth.

_ If one is remembered by a friend, one is never truly gone. _

Eli scoffed, collapsing into a chair.  _ Friend _ . He and Thrawn had never been  _ friends _ . He had thought they were, at one point, but  _ friends _ didn’t abandon each other on unfamiliar planets with no guidance.

Eli glared at the datapad, the weak sunlight of Csilla bathing it in a pale blue glow.  _ Friends. _

_ Please. _

He drifted asleep, lips still curled into a bittersweet smile.

>-<

Thrawn narrowed his eyes as the pirates jumped to hyperspace. They were running, as expected, and had not noticed the trackers on their ships.

“Commodore Faro? As soon as the pirates leave hyperspace, we will receive their coordinates. Prepare to follow them.” Faro nodded in affirmation.

Thrawn turned, half expecting to see Eli standing behind him, and ignored the pang in his chest when he wasn’t there. Logically, he knew these expectations were irrational. He himself had sent Eli to the Ascendancy, but that didn’t stop him from missing the human’s presence.

He wondered if Eli had gotten his messages. So far, there had been no response. Perhaps the messages hadn’t sent.

(They had.)

Eli was probably just busy. ( _ He’s ignoring you. _ )

He was doing important work with the Ascendancy. ( _ He hates you. _ )

_ You abandoned him. _

Thrawn pushed the thoughts away. He was Grand Admiral now. He had his own fleet. He did not have time for friends.

Not anymore.

\-->-<\--

_ “Was it hard to succeed here?” Eli asked. Thrawn glanced at him over his shoulder, an eyebrow raised in question. “I mean, you’re surrounded by different culture, different language, and nearly everyone you encounter hates you,” he continued. _

_ “There were challenges, of course, but nothing we could not manage,” Thrawn said, turning back to the art he had been studying. _

_ We. _

_ “Huh.” Eli paused. “You know, maybe I could go to the Ascendancy one day and prove that you’re not the only one who can adapt.” _

_ Thrawn smiled softly. “Perhaps you shall.” _

_ You. _

>-<

Eli watched as more and more of the pirate ships appeared in the  _ Starflare’s _ viewport, only to get caught in the Connor nets Chiss starfighters had fired as soon as the pirates arrived. Admiral Ar’alani stood in the center of the bridge, the white of her uniform stark against the darkness of the bridge.

One of the invading ships crashed into another, lighting an explosion so bright it made Eli temporarily blind. When he could see again, a fleet of Imperial ships had appeared behind the pirates.

The Star Destroyer in the lead had a familiar pattern on its underside. Eli cursed internally.

“Incoming transmission from the Imperial Star Destroyer  _ Chimaera _ ,” one of the techs reported, glancing up at Ar’alani. 

She nodded sharply. A hologram of Thrawn appeared, and Eli discreetly stepped out of his view. Ar’alani straightened.

“I am  Admiral Mitth’raw’nuruodo of the Imperial Navy. Are you she?” He asked in Cheunh.

“I am she. I am Admiral Ar’alani of the Chiss Defense Fleet. Is there a reason you have brought your fleet to Chiss space, Mitth’raw’nuruodo?”

“We were pursuing the pirates that you helped us to defeat.” Ar’alani raised a suspicious eyebrow. “Any intrusion into Chiss space was completely accidental,” Thrawn hastened to assure her.

“I see.” Ar’alani didn’t comment that an entire fleet was not needed to chase pirates, though Eli was sure she knew was aware of the fact.

Thrawn, apparently, was unconcerned. “If you wouldn’t mind, I would like to speak to Eli Vanto. Is he there?” Thrawn’s eyes flicked toward the direction that Eli was standing, even though Eli was sure he hadn’t been seen.

“Do not forget that you were exiled from Chiss space, Mitth’raw’nuruodo.”

Thrawn bowed his head. “I am aware. Perhaps Commander Vanto could come aboard the  _ Chimaera _ ?”

Ar’alani was silent for a moment.

“If you insist,” she finally agreed, before cutting the transmission off and turning to Eli. “Well, Commander? Do not keep Mitth’raw’nuruodo waiting.”

“Yes, sir,” Eli ground out.

>-<

“I thought we were  _ friends _ , Thra-  _ Mitth’raw’nuruodo _ , and then you just-  _ dropped _ me here, with no guidance, no assistance!” Eli said as soon as the door to Thrawn’s office closed. Thrawn looked down. The sound of his full name was unexpected, and he had to admit that hearing Eli say it hurt.

“We are friends, Eli,” Thrawn said, unsure if he was reassuring himself or Eli more.

“Oh, I’m sure  _ you _ think we are. I read your journal. But  _ friends _ don’t abandon each other on unfamiliar planets. They  _ help _ each other.” Eli took a deep breath.

“Tell me, Mitth’raw’nuruodo. What’s it like, being an Admiral? Having your own fleet? Achieving your goals?” Eli asked, his words taking on a bitter edge. “Of course,  _ I _ wouldn’t know. I was going to be a supply officer, but then you showed up and  _ that _ plan went to hell. I thought maybe,  _ maybe _ , I would still become a one after the Academy. And then I became your ensign and stayed there for  _ years _ until a politician with blood on her hands pulled some strings.

“And as a commander, I thought  _ maybe _ my life was starting to get some semblance of order. Then, just my luck, less than two years later you shipped me off to the Ascendancy with no explanation, and no one even cared that I was gone because no one cares about  _ me! _ ”

“ _ I _ care about you, Eli,” Thrawn said softly. Eli froze.

“You-”

“Eli, you were the only person who talked to me because you wanted to, not because you had to. You had your orders at first, but you could have easily hated me, as everyone else did.” Thrawn paused, attempting to organize his thoughts. “You asked me what it was like to be an admiral. It’s  _ lonely _ , Eli. Almost everyone in the Empire talks to me out of obligation, not because they care about my thoughts. Sometimes you’re the only thing that keeps me going. It’s always you.”

Eli’s mouth moved wordlessly, confusion written all over his features.

“I must get back to the  _ Chimaera _ . It was- nice to see you, Eli,” Thrawn said, doing his best to make a graceful exit. “If you need to contact me for any reason-” ( _ Of course he wouldn’t, he hates you _ )- “-you can use the datapad I gave you. Farewell, Commander Vanto. I trust you can find your way back to your ship.” Thrawn turned to leave.

“No, wait-” Thrawn stopped and turned back around, looking at Eli with confusion. “I missed you, Thrawn,” Eli muttered. He wrapped his arms around Thrawn quickly and then stepped back just as fast. “See you, Admiral.”


End file.
